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<title>A Vampire’s Guide to Love &amp; Caffeine by Elsinore_and_Inverness</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24457066">A Vampire’s Guide to Love &amp; Caffeine</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elsinore_and_Inverness/pseuds/Elsinore_and_Inverness'>Elsinore_and_Inverness</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Discworld</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>A singular instance of swearing, Coffee, Genderfluid Character, Genderqueer Character, Multi, Sentence Structure in this story is an Abomination unto Nuggan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 00:21:34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>998</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24457066</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elsinore_and_Inverness/pseuds/Elsinore_and_Inverness</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Name: Maladict etc. etc.<br/>Species: Reformed Vampire<br/>Gender: “What does a gender do?”<br/>Sexuality: Women</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Maladict/Polly "Ozzer" Perks</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>43</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>A Vampire’s Guide to Love &amp; Caffeine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div>
  <p>The fad of acting like a human had swept through Überwald and Borogravia. Mal had never before seen people stepping away from how they had always been told they were supposed to look and act. Mal had started wearing the same waistcoat as the doctor down in the village at the same time the Magpyrs were getting annoyed that other vampires were trying to look human.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>After nearly fifty years of underwire nightdresses—which made Mal feel like they were the wrong shape, or rather, uncomfortably aware that they were the right shape for the nightdresses—and being scolded for being reasonable or the wrong kind of crazy or not being interested in virgins... well, at least not as a bath soak... well, at least not if the whole woman hadn’t decided to climb into the tub with them... looking like a young gentleman that people would only look twice at if Mal wanted them to was a relief. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Before then Mal had always hated thinking about clothes. Vampire dresses had always seemed intended to reveal rather than to clothe but now a whole new sartorial world had opened up. Dressing like a man, or like a practical woman in more than two yards of fabric, or something in between became a source of interest and entertainment. They scoured the secondhand shops in the village, discovering the comforting weight of coats of velvet and tweed.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>But Maladicta, as they were known then,  was practical and realized that a vampire craving fashion would be seen as ridiculous and, worse, archetypical.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Maladicta started going by Gerald and travelled to Überwald.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Everyone hated Lacrimosa and Lacrimosa hated everyone.  But Gerald found that, despite his better judgment and everyone telling him that “I think no one likes Lacrimosa very much either” when he rather worriedly told them “I don’t think she likes me very much” that he wanted to be where he could see her and hear her talk as long as he didn’t actually listen to what she was saying. Being in the same room as Lacrimosa gave him a warm hungry feeling and he felt torn between wanting her to insult him and wanting her to be impressed. This was extremely annoying because she was one of the worst people Mal had ever met.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He’d asked Lacrimosa if he “could be Gerald?” and she’d said “is that one of those stupid human names?” His crush somehow translated this into an affirmation. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Mal realized months later that Lacci hadn’t even realized they existed. Gerald had been less than a blip on her radar.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Then the witches had come through town. Gerald had been fed some of Esme Weatherwax’s blood. They all had. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Gerald had met Agnes Nitt and that had been even worse. He’d walked up to her, suave as anything, and she’d looked at him like he was some kind of maimed accountant and he’d blurted out several of his names. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>There was something a bit showbiz about the way Agnes looked. She didn’t wear much makeup but she wore it with intention. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Gerald found himself trailing along behind her. Then she’d seen him collapse and make horrible noises and he wasn’t sure he could come back from that. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>After a month and a half on tea brewed with two teabags, Maladict switched to coffee and found that, though it may have been a coincidence of timing, the withdrawal symptoms were easing up. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Maladict formally joined the Überwald branch of the black ribboners. Coffee was a more straightforward substitution than most vampires pursued. Usually they went for an interest rather than a beverage. But coffee WAS an interest. If you loved coffee you were expected to know all about the difference between beans grown in different regions, different ways of roasting coffee, different blends and companies and every method of preparation including whatever caramel-drenched nonsense was invented in Dolly Sisters three minutes ago. You had to master twelve ways of brewing coffee including through a t-shirt in a hurricane and be staunchly loyal to the method or machine you chose as your favorite. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Mal was hanging out in a terrible pub, intrigued by how one of the recruits seemed to be broadcasting Second Thoughts at high frequencies, and thinking someone ought to add a bit of normalcy to the unusually literate squad that was assembling before them, when they decided to join the army.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Maladict realized a few minute later, after he had threatened his way to decent beer, that Oliver, the blond one who had been thinking at the speed of sound, thought he was attractive. He realized a few minutes after that that he had only done it to impress Oliver. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>By the time Ozzer was openly annoyed with Maladict’s cool nonchalance, Maladict was on cloud nine. This was how it was supposed to go. Finally the person Mal had a crush on felt the same way. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Maybe in a few months time they could actually get around to broaching the subject. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>••• •••</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Polly had winked at Mal because she <em>understood</em>. She understood that Maladict hadn’t been playing at being a man and that if Mal was hanging upside down from a tree that night it would be in trousers. But right now they had a story to tell, an option to put on the table, and that was important.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Watching Mal fight to retain composure was an added bonus.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>That night while drinking coffee by the fire—Mal had brought several times more than they thought they were going to need—Polly put a hand on the vampire’s wiry forearm and said “Just to ease your mind, whatever gender you are or aren’t doesn’t change the way I feel about you. You’re the same sarcastic, righteous, prickly, infuriatingly debonair person who thinks they can give orders while drooling and shaking.”</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Yeah. We’ll try to avoid that.”</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You’re also really fucking hot.”</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Mal grinned and then remember to close their mouth as Polly grabbed their face and kissed them.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><p> </p>
  </div></div>
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